Expectations vs. Standards

(written September 2012)

On a drive back to Chicago from Missouri, I was station-surfing and came across a religious talk program.  I didn’t listen very long because the deep, measured voices tend to make me sleepy, but I did tune in long enough to hear the preacher say “Remember: Expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentments.”

For me, the timing of this was interesting.  Over the course of the weekend, throughout different conversations with friends, family members and friends-of -the-family,  I had done some thinking about expectations:  self-expectations, expectations of loved ones, and the expectations we have of other people and situations.

We have expectations of what our lives will be like, and the people in our lives also have their own expectations of us.  My dad used to say to me when I was a teen: “You need to get your priorities straight.”  After I while I started to wonder if he really meant MY priorities, or the priorities that he had set for me.  I’ve observed that a curiously strong range of emotions surface when adult children simply don’t do the things their parents or family members anticipated.  Emotions range from inspiration and pride all the way over to frustration, fear and resentment, almost as if the child reneged on his/her end of an unspoken agreement, or something.

I agree that the resentment is more justified when the child’s choices are reckless, irresponsible and/or unexpectedly costing the parent money.  But then, what the adult child may see as a strong, independent choice for himself and his life, the parent might feel is reckless or irresponsible largely because it just wasn’t what the parent planned on happening.

As for expectations of self, the “blueprint” for my adult life that I’ve had in my head:

I expected that after college, I would find a job in my career field in a city/town that I enjoyed.

I expected that, either during college or sometime soon after, I would meet someone and experience “true love,” and if I worked hard for it, it would last and we’d get married.

I expected that, if ever I needed to, I could weasel back home and the folks would be waiting in their house in the woods.  (They might not give me money, but they’d give me a bed to sleep in and a mug of green tea and chores to do until I got my shit figured out.)

So is this the “Gen Y Entitlement” that people of a certain age keep squalling about?  (Is it just me, or are they typically Republicans?)

 It’s not that things have gone badly for me, but what I expected hasn’t exactly happened, so sometimes I feel disappointed – but that’s part of growing up, I’m sure.  And if everything happened as we expected it to, life would be predictable and boring.

I tend to get my feathers ruffled when I feel like I’m being asked to lower my expectations.   An ex once told me I had fairytale expectations.  I’m a fan of Dr. Kimberly Ventus-Darks, and she teaches that when relationships go sour and the man closes off, it all starts with the female’s unrealistic expectations.

 I think these suggestions have rubbed me backwards because I’ve had a hard time differentiating between having Expectations and having Standards.  And we are told to never lower or compromise our Standards.

And yet:

If you can’t get the type of job you think you deserve, dumb down your resume and start looking for something lower-paying.

If he’s a good guy but he lacks manners, passion, or you’re just not feeling it in the looks/chemistry department, then you’re being shallow and too picky and you need to give him a chance.  Mature, adult women who live in the real world know better than to stand around waiting for the Dream Prince to show up.

Your loved ones may have told you that you’re unique and special and you deserve certain things, when in reality you’re one of thousands of people just like you who are trying to make it to the end of the week.  (One of the many reasons I’m enjoying the new perspective of city life.  Living in a small-town ecosystem can get your ego out of whack if you’re not careful.  Being one of 3 million is a humbling reminder of your insignificance.  Dust in the wind, as they say.)

You Can Do Anything! SNL Sketch

So maybe Standards are more like a set of general guidelines, whereas Expectations are very specific , rosy pictures of how you think/want things to be.

 

Perhaps there’s something to be said for keeping your standards high while keeping your expectations low or nondescript.  That way, you can always be pleasantly surprised.  But what about a person’s dreams and goals?  Where do those fit in?   I’ve dealt with people who have  that “hope for the best, prepare for the worst” mentality, and that doesn’t seem like the most positive way to live a life.  :/