A Brain, a Heart, and Courage

This past week, I watched an online montage of the late Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s work, which includes this quote from an NPR interview:

“You can’t have relationships if you’re not willing to be disappointed and hurt by that person; it’s almost impossible.  If you say ‘yes’ to someone, ‘I will,’ you are also saying ‘I will be hurt by you.’  The richness of life is all the good and joy and thrill of it, but also all the disappointment, hurt and heartache of it; and that all of that is what’s great.  People need each other.  That actual interaction or relationship or friendship o romantic love affair, all the different ways relationships take form, is one of the hardest things we do in our lives.  It’s one of the biggest risks we’ll take in our lives.  And let’s deal with it and see what happens.”

This came at a good time for me.  I’ve berated myself recently because I feel that I’ve been foolish and naïve when it comes to my feelings and expectations.  Twice in the last 6 months, I’ve caught myself developing an attachment to a person and investing in a connection with them before they invested in me.  Both times, I overestimated the depth of the connection, and blamed myself for setting up unrealistic expectations (something I've discussed on this blog before).

Each time, I’ve resolved to guard my feelings more and exercise better judgment in the future.  “Love only those who love you,” as some advice goes.  And then one day, while reading through some old stuff I wrote as I teenager, I realized that I’ve been doing this for years and that I’ll probably never change my ways.

I’ve always been the one to ask for a number, give out my number, jump in the car and drive through the night to see someone.  In the past, I wasn't afraid to take that leap; to go in for the kiss or confess my feelings.

Does this make me foolish or brave?  The advice books and columns will tell you that women shouldn’t do this; it should be up to men to control the volume of a potential relationship.  Show your feelings too quickly and you end up looking desperate and clingy.

Something else I dug up from my high school/early-college writing was the following bit , which appeals to me as much now as it did 10 years ago:  Michael Shurtleff is a famous Broadway casting director who discovered Barbara Striesand, Bette Midler, Dustin Hoffman and more.  He once wrote:  “A dream of romance is what no human being can live without; an excess of reality is what is wrong with our current world.  Reality kills.  We can’t live for reality (if we did, most of us could not bear to stay alive for very long) but for the dream of what we hope will happen: love from someone splendid, success, glory, honor, and applause.  Romance is the dream of something better happening to us.”

Since about mid-January, I've been glued to my phone, playing the Waiting Game in regard to some job opportunities and other possibilities.  I think that Waiting Period may be coming to an end, but I continue to live for the dream of what I hope will happen.  :)